Five Twelve Minute Miles

I hate when I've done an awesome work out, need to eat afterward yet my legs feel like jello. But at least I was finally able to make through the entire Leslie Sansone 5 Mile Fat Burning Walk DVD, hence the five twelve minute miles. Not to mention it makes me sit down and type this post. I feel accomplished.

There are times, part way through my work out, when I wonder why losing weight has to be so important to fertility and safe pregnancies. It is one of the more frustrating aspects of working toward having a baby.  I sometimes even find myself wondering if its worth it, usually when I'm at my most frustrated.

But it will be worth it. I just know it will.

A bump in the road followed by a pot hole

Well it's been quite a while and unfortunately I don't have much to report. At least not of a happy nature, I guess.

Lately I've been ignoring the scale like crazy because life became a little crazy while my hubby and I were preparing for an anime convention. In place of my workout, I was going insane sewing my cosplay costume.

So fast forward a week from that I and realized to me horror that I'd gained back the four pounds I'd lost and then some. I haven't checked on it since but I must say I was very disappointed in myself. My husband was very kind though, in saying that it was to be expected with the preparations taking up most of my time, a recent period and the sheer amount of fast food that became a staple while at the convention.

It's going to be a challenge, working off more weight than I'd had previously, but I know I can do it. I have new routine I've put together that I will add to as it becomes easier the more I do it. I've also joined a site call Wellsphere ( http://www.wellsphere.com ) which I will be connecting this blog to so that I can share my journey with the community there as well.

My New Routine:

- Stretching and Warm Up: My stretches are a combination of the stretch portion of Shiva Rea's Prenatal Yoga DVD, and my old dance classes's stretch routine. I was horrified to find out how much I couldn't do anymore. The warm up consists of some less intense strength training moves and a few Sun Salutations for my back pain and to slowly get my heart rate going.

- Squats: I also took these from the prenatal yoga DVD. I'm no where near being able to fully squat, but I'm determined to get there.

- Power Walk: I'm doing 2-3 12 minute miles using the pace set in my aforementioned Leslie Sansone DVD, but now I'm watching episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic while I walk instead of MST3K.

- Cool Down: This is mostly me swaying out some of the stiffness my hips develop while walking and doing some of the other moves from the walking DVD.

- Strength Training: I do a few arm moves with a resistance band since that's the least used part of me in the rest of the routine.

This takes me about an hour at the most unless I get really into the stretching and forget what I'm doing. Wish me luck!

Slowly Slowly...

I find it funny that I get all "freaky-outy" about losing weight and I lose four pounds despite not being consistent with my workouts. I'm behind on my goal but I seriously thought that I was gaining weight despite all my work. It also didn't help that I recently had my hair cut much shorter than it was, so I was wondering if I'd actually lost most of that weight in hair!

But in all seriousness it was a surprise to me. I had been stuck in the land of "one to two pounds which is normal fluctuation thus not really weight loss" for so long, I kept checking the screen when it read 267 (just so you know, I used my WiiFit board, hence the screen).

I may not drop as much as I'd like to before August, but I'm happy that things are actually moving!

It will get better, just not now

Today is hard for me. I'm sure you all have had days like this, especially when trying for a baby. We aren't trying yet, but there have been many times when it seems like I may be pregnant anyway. Today is one of those days.

I knew my new medication could cause me to skip a period as I got used to it. It was in the medication instructions. The instructions also indicated that I should do a pregnancy test anyway just in case. So I made plans to do so this morning. Yet for the past few days before, I've been nauseous and threw up Saturday and Sunday evening. Even now I'm still feeling pretty awful.

And yet, there it sits. A pregnancy test that bold proclaims I'm not pregnant. It makes me so mad. It's like my body enjoys messing with me. I know that there is still a chance that I am and the HCG hasn't   built up enough to be measured. It happens often so I have a second test I'll used in a few days. But that's doesn't make it hurt any less.

I hope that other don't have to go through this like I do. May your journey to pregnancy be easier than my own.

Baby Letters and the New Medication Waiting Game

Hello all!

Lately in attempt to quell some of my baby envy I've started at Baby Letter journal. So far I've only written one, but that's mainly because that one made me cry pretty hard. It seems like the closer I get to August, the worse it gets. It really doesn't help that I'm on the latter half of a new birth control and its a toss up as to whether or not I'll have a period this month because of it. Since this medication is vastly different, its an agonizing waiting game as I would have started yesterday, but not this time around. ARGH!

So I don't leave you all on that note, here is the first Baby Letter. (Note: When I reread this to make sure it was ready to post, guess who cried again...)

April 23, 2012

3 months 1 week and 1 day until TTC

Dear Little One,

        Hello there. You don’t know me yet, but someday you will call me Momma. I’ve been waiting a long time for you and it won’t be long before your Daddy and I will be ready to be blessed with tiny you. God already knows who you will be, what you will look like, all those wonderful things that make you who you are. I don’t know this though, and I’m so looking forward to finding out.

        I’d like to tell you some things about your Daddy and me. My name is Rachel and Daddy’s name is James. He is 26 years old and I’m 25, though by the time you are born, we will be older than that. Your daddy and I met when we were in high school and dated a LONG time before getting married January 1^st 2010.  We recently moved in with your Nonni, whose name is Pam, and her big orange cat Fenton. I think you will like him as much as we do. He’s very friendly.

        Though your daddy and I have been married for two years, we had to wait for a long time for you. This was hard for me because your momma is not a very patient person. I hope I’m better at that by the time you are here in my arms. I’m sure God will help me make those changes.  Your daddy is better at this because changes are huge for him and having you means he had another person to take care of. That can be scary. But he really wants to meet you, just as much as I do. Never doubt that.

        I love you so very much even though you are not here yet.

                Love,

                        Momma

It Draws Near

My husband and I chose August 1st to be our TTC (trying to conceive) date. As its get closer and closer I'm both excited and nervous. Excited because it's not that far off . Nervous because I want to lose at least 40 pounds by that time so I have a better shot at an easier time hitting baby jackpot, a safer pregnancy and getting to stay with the practitioner I currently have, a wonderful Nurse Midwife named Sameerah.

I have never been successful at losing weight since I realized it was something I should do. And by that I mean I stopped listening to my obese father who was convinced there was nothing wrong with me being around 100 pound overweight. The idea of taking it seriously is scary to me. I know what I look like now and am pretty happy with it most of the time. The idea of losing a significant amount of weight is daunting to me.

It doesn't help that I'm a homemaker and artist. While there are some very physical tasks to being a homemaker, most of my work is not consistent enough to offer decent cardio. Art is by nature sedentary unless you're a very active performance artist. I'm a comic artist to I spend most of my time one my butt. These things are the opposite of active and so even when I decided that weight loss is a good thing, its also a fantastic challenge.

I've done my research on this, and the "easiest" way to lose this 40-maybe-100-someday is simply watching what I eat and burning more calories than I take in. The only hitch in that is I don't want to be one of those obsessive calorie counters and I'm a carnivore. Don't get me wrong, I love my veggies but they better have something meat with them. I do love my carbs too. And fruit. Honestly I love all food groups equally, I'm just far less likely to share my meat.

So as I said, I'm nervous about this. My goal has me hopefully losing a pound a week, which seems to be reasonable according to most sources. But in all my years of trying to lose weight, I've never lasted long enough to lose even one pound. The most success I had was when my 15 pound ovarian cyst was removed and that didn't last long once I wasn't being watched like a hawk. My hospital stay left me wanting to eat everything in sight. Combine that with birth control pills that encourage weight gain and I'm heavier than I've ever been.

To combat the bulge, I've been power walking in my living room. Sounds ridiculous but I'm not a particularly social creature so being able to do this at home is very appealing. I've been doing two or three 12-minute "miles", at first with a Leslie Sansone DVD until I understood the pace and additional moves. Now I walk to episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on Youtube. I found its easier to keep myself going when I love what's keeping the time for me.

Hopefully the next time I post, there will be slightly less of me! Good luck to anyone out there whose  battling the bulge for a baby!

People Do Understand

 When it comes to dreaming of having a baby, one of the biggest lessons I've learned thus far is that there are other people who understand how you feel. They are out there, even if you are convinced no one else gets it.

 I spent a long time convinced that no one has ever wanted a baby as badly as I did (and still do), and that everyone who tried to talk to me about it just couldn't understand it. I spent my time researching instead, hoping it would ease some of the pain that came from my deep desire. As a result, it was all I had to talk about, all I really cared about and I drove my husband crazy. I'm sure I did the same with others but I don't live with them so they never told me.

This was the start of a downward spiral for me. I couldn't understand my husband's side of things. I refused to see why waiting was best for us at the time. Even now it drives me crazy at times, even when there's only a few months before we are going to try for a baby. But seriously, one of the worst things you can do is alienate the man you're going to have the eventual baby with. Don't do it! All of my sadness only made it more apparent to my husband that we needed to wait. I was so wrapped up in my wanting, I'd done next to nothing in terms of preparation.

 I recommend, if you are like I was, put the baby books down and go do something else. If you still want to do something baby-related, check out all the forums out there about preparing for pregnancy. I guarantee you will find many women who feel the same way you do. It was that alone that made me feel so much better.

 There will be people who try to make you feel better but only seem to make you feel angrier than you were at having to wait. Try to take what advice they give you if its sound (none of that "go off the birth control and don't tell your husband" crap) and know that they aren't trying to hurt you. They're telling you what they are because they love you and don't want to see you hurting. My mother was usually this kind of person for me. I knew she meant well, but no amount of logic helped me when I was at my worst. After talking with my husband, it seemed best if I didn't talk to her about it anymore since she didn't have much more to say after the first conversation and it only made me fall apart.

I hope this helps someone who felt like I did not so long ago. Occasionally I still feel like this. When that happens I try to talk to other women who felt as I did. If you cannot round up a woman like the ones I have, I recommend the forums on WhatToExpect.com. They have forums specifically for women like us. I hope you find someone who understands.

Here's the link: http://www.whattoexpect.com